Let’s talk about how to best help others. We all find ourselves in the position where we give advice to other horse owners or riders – either as a coach in a lesson situation as a volunteer when helping out in your own club, or simply as a friend.

As parents and friends we also find ourselves in situations where we give advice to our kids, partners or friends, whether it is about horse management or training issues. 

It’s a common situation to be in, yet it is not always easy to use the right words. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, we can say one thing that is somehow interpreted in a very different way to what we intended. 

Here is what I have learned over the last twenty or so years of coaching and doing my best to help others…

When it comes to teaching and generally giving advice my first rule is always ‘wait until you have been asked!’

When you are a coach that one is easy because your student has booked you in for a lesson so you already have permission to teach them.

When you are a friend, parent or (god forbid) your partner… Wait until you have been asked for feedback before giving it!

If you are dying to say something, you can always approach the subject with a gentle; “Do you need some help?” and wait for permission before unleashing your onslaught of ‘well meant’ advice.

Even when you have permission to coach there are some things to keep in mind.

People tend to NOT do what we tell them to do. So therefore, I prefer to ask questions rather then suggesting to the rider what they should do.

These questions can be something like:

  • Where in your body do you feel your breath?
  • Let me know when you are taking a breath out.
  • Do you feel you sit straight or do you feel you are crooked?

This questioning approach is far more effective then saying “You are holding your breath”, “breathe out”, or “you are crooked”.

It is also good to know that the mind does not recognize the words:

Not

Don’t

Won’t

If you say “Do not stop at the gate”, all the rider hears is STOP AT THE GATE.

If you say “don’t look down” the rider hears LOOK DOWN.

If you say to yourself “I won’t fall off again” all you hear is I FALL OFF AGAIN.

When coaching and helping others make sure you give clear instruction on what you WANT the rider to do.

For example:

  • “Stop in the middle of the arena.”
  • “Look up.”
  • “Stay on your horse, take a deep breath out and have fun.”

I also find that when I have to adjust a rider’s position because they are crooked and I make them sit straight, most of the time they won’t feel straight. Our body has a perception of what ‘feels’ straight and this is often very different from what IS straight.

When making positional corrections to riders, ask them how they feel and get them to describe that feeling in their own words. This allows the rider to become clear on what they feel and it will give them a way of finding this ‘new and unfamiliar’ position again. If you use the same words they did to describe what they feel, your message will be better understood by the rider.

And finally, before you coach or advise anyone, make sure you ask them what they want to achieve and what they are working towards. We often start coaching with our own intended outcome in mind. If you want to help the rider, you must help them to achieve their goals. So, make sure you are both completely aware  of the expectations and what outcome you are both looking for.

Happy riding everyone!